I Think We're Alone Now (2008)

Directed by Sean Donnelly
Starring Kelly McCormick and Jeff Turner
Runtime 62min. - Not Rated
4 Stars (out of 4)

"I Think We're Alone Now" is part of my ever-expanding Quirky Documentary Series.
It's available to watch for free at SnagFilms.

You remember Tiffany right? Sure you do. She sang "I think we're alone now", "Could've Been" and, uh, that's about it. According to her wiki page she has numerous albums and singles but she's really only known for 2 songs and an appearance in Playboy. In this documentary by Sean Donnelly named after her biggest hit, Tiffany is a MacGuffin. I know it sounds odd for a real-life person to be a MacGuffin in a documentary. Usually, the term is reserved for fictional objects-of-desire that motivate the characters to take extreme measures. The MacGuffin is almost always interchangeable. "The Maltese Falcon" is the most obvious example of the phenomenon. That valuable falcon could have been a sack of diamonds and the story would've been the same.


So how does an 80's pop fad become interchangeable in a documentary? Well, she's not really the subject. The documentary is actually about Jeff Turner and Kelly McCormick. They are two very different people who live far apart. The one thing they have in common is an unhealthy obsession with Tiffany. The movie would be the same if they were obsessed with Debbie Gibson or Cyndi Lauper. Thus, Tiffany is a MacGuffin.

Jeff Turner introduces himself to the camera as a close friend of Tiffany's. The media calls him a stalker. Neither of those assessments are accurate. Jeff has Asperger's syndrome. For those not familiar, it's a developmental disorder related to autism. Those with the disorder can typically function on their own. They have amazingly detailed memories, but the drawback is a lack of empathy. Jeff has a lot of the classic characteristics. He can recall the date of every Tiffany concert he's attended and will recite those dates without anyone asking. He's unable to interpret his victims' mannerisms when they desperately want him to stop talking.

Jeff is also a bit of a hoarder. There are walls in his homes made entirely of books. He also has stacks of magazine and newspaper clippings about Tiffany. I find this practice particularly strange since he remembers every detail of everything he's ever read. Photographic memory is one of the few perks of Asperger's.

At one of her concerts, Tiffany kissed Jeff on the cheek. He perceived this as a true act of affection. When he showed up at Tiffany's emancipation hearing with flowers and a sword he wasn't greeted with the open arms he expected. Jeff explains to us that the gift of a katana and chrysanthemums is a high honor in Japan. Tiffany is eventually granted a restraining order against Jeff. One girl who met Jeff tells us that he was once surrounded by Tiffany's security detail and took it as a sign that Tiffany wanted to protect him. That sort of sums up Jeff's mentality.

Despite his issues, I think I could be friends with Jeff Turner. I'm not sure if I could tolerate Kelly McCormick though.

Kelly was born a hermaphrodite and considers herself a female. She's a self-righteous and deluded drama queen who claims to be a high-level athlete. A demonstration of her skills is less than convincing. Kelly takes estrogen to accentuate her female attributes. However, her sexual preference is for women, specifically Tiffany. Unlike Jeff, she's never met or stalked Tiffany, but she probably would if given the chance.

I really don't like this lady. She either has something mentally wrong or is a just a nasty person. This belief has nothing to do with her being born intersexed. I couldn't care less about her gender status. I got the impression that her obsession with Tiffany and even her general behavior was an act. We learn that Kelly was the victim of a bicycle accident that left her in a coma for over a week. She also has had trouble with drugs and possibly alcoholism. I wonder which of these things has had more influence on her current condition.

It's hard to make a movie like this without exploiting your subjects, but Donnelly does his best. The lives of our characters are explored further than you'd expect. Jeff has an especially diverse set of interests. He spends more money on pseudo-scientific radionic devices than he does on clothing. He's also well-versed in theoretical physics. He could carry himself in a conversation about nearly any subject and does so without provocation in many cases.

The film culminates with Jeff and Kelly attending a Tiffany concert together. I'll skimp on the details and just say that things go smoother than I thought they would. Tiffany is more tolerant than I imagined.

The film clocks in at a paltry 62 minutes. It's also free to watch online. It's a perfect film to sneak in when you don't have time for a longer feature.