Snow White and the Huntsman (2012)

Directed by Rupert Sanders
Starring Kristen Stewart, Charlize Theron, and Chris Hemsworth
Runtime 127min. - Rated PG13
1.5 Stars (out of 4)

I had a definite mental and physical reaction to the latest version of the classic fairy tale. The mental reaction is called REM sleep and the physical reaction is scientifically known as snoring.

Okay, I didn't actually fall asleep during "Snow White and the Huntsman", but I came close. The film was over 2 hours long but I felt like all of the interesting points were glossed over. Snow White spends years imprisoned in a castle, but the film cuts that entire experience down to a minute at most. Assuming that she had only been fed and clothed she would have probably evolved in to a quasi-feral woman during her imprisonment. Instead, she emerges with intelligence and the spirit of a warrior. Where did her education and inspiration come from? Why isn't she an atrophied sickling with a broken spirit?


There's a scene depicting the evil queen's origins. It showed her mother casting a spell on her that would grant her eternal youth and magical powers. No explanation is offered as to why her mother put this curse/blessing on her daughter. In fact, nothing is ever explained about the queen. All that we know is that she's evil and must be killed. That's simply not enough for me.

The Huntsmen also has an incredibly sad origin story that never gets explored. At some point his wife died and he became a drunkard. Now after chasing Snow White he is reminded of his wife and ends up falling in love with the woman he's supposed to capture. That's it. I just summed up an hour's worth of film in 2 sentences. I think the studio sent down an order to the director to cut out anything that may upset any person in the audience. There goal was probably to avoid negative emotional responses. The director went the extra mile and made sure to avoid the positive ones too.

There's a sequence in a dream-like forest that sums up the film for me. Snow starts instinctively heading towards an area where a deer resides. The deer has a supernaturally massive set of antlers and all of the other forest creatures are attracted to the creature. It apparently represents the spirit of the forest. The scene reminded me of the excellent "Princess Mononoke" by Hayao Miyazaki. Before the film even has a chance to explore this mystical beast it gets shot through the chest with an arrow. That's how I felt about nearly every part of the film. Just when things get interesting the scene collapses in on itself. Instead of Snow battling the giant ogre that defeats The Huntsman, she wards it off with a bat of her eyelashes. There's a cop-out around every corner.

*I'm not the only one who noticed the Princess Mononoke thievery.

On a positive note, the 7 Dwarves were pretty cool. I recognized most of the 7 actors and know that they are full size human beings. I know "Lord of the Rings" did the same thing with their hobbits, but the effect is better here. In "LOTR" you could clearly tell that children were playing the hobbits when the camera was zoomed out. In "Snow White and the Huntsmen" the effect is consistent from all camera angles. I like the fact that we don't have to ask little people to demean themselves as dwarves, elfs and hobbits anymore.

Some people don't think much of Kristen Stewart. I'm a fan. My appreciation is rooted less in "Twilight" and more in "Adventureland" and "Welcome to the Rileys". I really didn't think this material suited her well at all. Then again, material this lame wouldn't suit anyone. I was very disappointed at the lack of femininity this Snow White possessed. Stewart wore pants underneath her dress which was amateurishly hacked up by The Huntsmen. The only other outfit I recall was Snow in medieval battle armor. Throughout the film's entirety she was disheveled and caked in dirt. Never once did she appear to be the "fairest of them all". What's the point of hiring one of the most beautiful actresses in Hollywood if you aren't going to let her be pretty? Charlize Theron looked far sexier than Stewart in this instance.

I'm officially recommending "Snow White and the Huntsmen" to all of my friends......who have trouble sleeping. Other than some fancy special effects there's nothing here to see. I went with my preteen niece who actually enjoyed it quite a bit. That's the only demographic that should enjoy this film.