Lake Effects (2012)

Directed by Michael McKay
Starring Jeff Fahey and Jane Seymour
Runtime 90min. - Suitable for all ages
2 Stars (out of 4)

Released May 6th on The Hallmark Channel

"Lake Effects" is shot on location at Smith Mountain Lake in Virginia. That's significant because I grew up just an hour away and have spent many days and nights camping, boating and fishing that very lake. My wife and I once used our entire tax refund to rent a lake house for a week. In my childhood my family made summer trips to the lake where we all crammed in a tent. Not the best sleeping arrangements, but to wake up gazing upon the sunrise reflected off the water made it all worth the hassle. So the idea of having a film shot in a place that I revere gets me excited. It was announced in our local papers that Jane Seymour and Jeff Fahey would be starring in the film. Later I found out that Ben Savage, Richard Moll, Casper Van Dien, Sean Patrick Flanery and Madeline Zima were all a part of the cast. Those names may not be "A-list", but they all have respectable careers. At least I was familiar with the cast, which ratcheted the excitement up ten fold.



The film was actually completed a couple of years ago. I checked constantly on its status and all I could find out is that they were looking for distributors. In the age of On-Demand services that's not unusual. Many deserving movies end up distributing straight to On-Demand or DVD. Finally the day came, The Hallmark Channel picked up the TV rights to the film. I usually don't watch anything on Hallmark, but I made an exception for "Lake Effects". Don't make the same mistake.

The film starts with Jeff Fahey doing some ritual morning fishing. He catches 2 large fish with a speed that only occurs in movies. He's messing with his propane grill in anticipation of cooking these fish when.....he blows himself up. It's Hallmark so they don't show the gory details of course. The accidental death of Fahey's character is the catalyst for the rest of the film. It turns out that he had a daughter who moved to L.A. years ago to become a lawyer and maintained minimal contact with her parents. When she arrives for her fathers funeral she's initially appalled at the remoteness of the area. The fact that she can't find sugar-free Redbull and gets no cellphone service really irks her. Eventually she settles in and gets caught in a legal tornado involving malicious mortgage brokers.

The subplot of the film features a local group who hunt for a mythical lake-monster known as "Smithie". Ben Savage recruits Sean Patrick Flanery to come do a formal investigation of the monster. Flanery's character hosts a TV show similar to "Monster Quest". He fakes a southern accent to try and connect with a wide audience. He fakes a lot of things actually, most notably his humility.

As an aside, I'm mostly using actor's names instead of their character's names. That's because the film was so bad I don't remember the character's names.

The plot concepts are actually pretty good. This story could have been made into a decent movie. Unfortunately it wasn't. The acting is frustratingly stale. It's obvious no one involved actually cared about the project. The editing and directing had even worse issues. Not caring is bad, but not having any talent is unfixable. It's a director's job to get the best performances from his/her cast, Michael McKay failed miserably in that task.

Incredibly, the acting and directing are not the worst aspect of the film. It's the score. Have you ever arrived early to a wedding? There's usually some emotionally neutral piano and strings being played on a loop. They may not actually be looping, but they're so uninspired that one song is indistinguishable from the next. Funerals use this same music. They're emotionally neutral so it's only our frame of mind that makes them fit the setting. Lake Effects has this sort of music from beginning to end. It may have actually influenced my opinion of the acting because the music wasn't expressive enough to lend itself to the moods being portrayed. It has been said that "Star Wars" was expected to be a failure until John Williams added his legendary music. Imagine if George Lucas had just used elevator music instead. That's "Lake Effects". I realize I may have sinned by mentioning those two films in the same paragraph. Forgive me nerds.

Now for some personal gripes.

"Smithie" is not only a mythological creature, but it's a fictional myth. There have been no widespread reported sightings at Smith Mountain Lake. Furthermore, it's a man made lake. That fact is even referenced in the film. The area was flooded in the 1960's. So how does a prehistoric creature get trapped in a 50 year old lake? It would have to have been transferred by someone. So if anyone has seen a plesiosaur on the back of truck, please let me know.

With the amount of development at Smith Mountain Lake, a sugar-free Red Bull is never more than a few minutes away. There are plenty of grocery stores, gas stations and even a movie theater in close proximity to the lake. There are plenty of private places, but it's not nearly as secluded as the film makes it seem. I've never lost cellphone service on any of my trips to the lake.

The character "Tyler" is a local officer who patrols the lake. His occupation is referred to as "Marine Patrol". By definition, "marine" is a term that is only associated with salt water. He may have been part of the Coast Guard auxiliary service or a police officer, but there's nothing "marine" about those jobs.

My last gripe is about accents. Good movies know the difference between accents. Appalachian accents aren't the same as southern accents, which aren't the same as mid-western accents, which aren't the same as Texan accents. I don't know which they were using, but it didn't sound natural to me. I've lived in this area for 30 years and that's not how my people sound. It sounded more like a Georgian accent, as if the director was basing everything off "Gone With The Wind".

I'm giving this film 2 stars, but one of those is for filming location only. I'd love to see more directors choosing southwest Virginia to make movies, I can only hope that they make better ones than this.