F*ckload Of Scotch Tape (2012)

Directed by Julian Grant
Starring Graham Jenkins
Runtime 84min. - Unrated
1/2 Star (out of 4)

"F*ckload of Scotch Tape" is available for $1.99 on Amazon Instant.
Since it's not mentioned in the review, the title of the film is in reference
to a homemade arm sling.

"FLOST" follows the escapades of Benji, a young man who is lured into a life of crime by the promise of Tootsie Roll Pops. He works for a criminal of unknown origins who pays Benji to beat up people and knock over liquor stores. As the film opens he's on an unusual assignment. He's been asked by his boss, Mr. Kent, to befriend a teenager at a local arcade. He doesn't know the reason for this assignment and is programmed not to ask questions. Mr. Kent gives him $50,000 to lure the kid into a van after he's built a rapport. The next day Benji turns on the news to see that the kid has been raped and murdered.


Benji makes a run for the midwest where he hopes to go unnoticed by authorities. He finds a place to sleep and a job at a diner. It's not long before things become unhinged again. Benji gets beaten up and left unconscious after an overreaction to a sexual advance by a male friend. When he wakes up he decides to kill himself. The movie partly follows a neo-noir formula and is heavily narrated. Most of that narration is okay; this instance is the exception. As Benji is about to kill himself and do me a huge favor he narrates, "My money was gone. Suicide can wait." The writers obviously put a lot of thought into character motivations.

Not only does the film try be a neo-noir, but also a musical. During nearly every interlude Benji offers up a bluesy folk-rock song for our, ahem, enjoyment. I need to set the stage to help you understand how truly awful this aspect of the film really is. Benji looks to be under 20 years old. He's a pretty boy. The scenes in which he's shirtless reveal a body with no hair whatsoever. He does have well-defined muscles, but not even a hint of stubble on his chin. "Maybe he shaves" you say. Well, when he gets beaten to a bloody mess he doesn't even bother to bathe before going out. He shows up at restaurants covered in blood, sweat and dirt. The likelihood that he shaves is slim. Now imagine this boyish-man poorly lip-syncing to a Hootie and The Blowfish song. It's as ridiculous as it sounds and it occurs way too often. The music is being offered as a selling point in the promo material. It's not all that bad, but it wouldn't work even without the lip-syncing. Why would bluesy folk-rock make any sense when a character is entering a gothic strip club where the patrons wear vampire teeth? It's relentless in it's awfulness. Benji is singing even when unconscious. (Spoiler Alert) He sings after dying as well. What a talented man-baby.

The film goes out of its way to be offensive. It features a fair amount of homosexuals who are always referred to as "fag" or "queer". The lead character states that it's easy to score at a gay bar because, "fags always have drugs". All the men who frequent the clubs in the film are middle-aged and only interested in giving young boys drugs in exchange for sex. Benji uses his masculine wiles to lure these old pervs into private places where he then beats them senseless. Eventually they team up on him in a bathroom. He assumes that he'll be raped and honestly I did too given the homophobic tendencies of the film. Instead, they beat him up and urinate on him before leaving him in an alley. I can't say I blame them.

The set design and cinematography look good for a low-budget film. It's a shame all that talent went to waste on such an atrocious screenplay. Graham Jenkins actually had a good performance as Benji. It's the character he portrayed that I take issue with. I think Jenkins will go on to do better movies and cringe when he looks back at this one. He delivers his dialogue with the gusto of a seasoned vet. It's like putting lipstick on a pig.

There's not a single likable character in the film. If I could remake this travesty, I'd add a nuclear apocalypse about 15 minutes into the script. The world that's portrayed in "FLOST" is not one that deserves to exist. "Sin City" looks utopian by comparison.